If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Randomize