I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
