i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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