Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
