Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I just found a bag of teeth...
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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