I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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