Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize