alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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