just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
