me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
