AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
