i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
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