I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I stole a fireplace last night.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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