i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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