got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Randomize
