i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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