I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
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