we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
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