How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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