I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
