everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
There are leaves in my underwear?
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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