Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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