ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
