What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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