girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
