Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Randomize
