I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
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