Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Randomize
