Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
