Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Randomize
