I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
either way he was missing a nipple.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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