I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
