On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Randomize
