I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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