Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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