I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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