i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
