3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
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