Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
