Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
