can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
