Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
