I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
