if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Randomize