Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
