There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
