1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Every concussion has its silver lining
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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