just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Randomize
