If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
