i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
