a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
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