Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
True strength comes from lack of pants
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Randomize