well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
