You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Randomize
