...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
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