when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
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