a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
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