If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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