wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
apparently the secret to your success is patron
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
